Being a supporter of recycling and remaking these days is a pretty big no-brainer. It’s one of the best ways to replenish our dwindling resources and show some love to mother homeworld.
By breaking down a mass of one type of material, we garner a fresh supply, which in some ways is parallel to the Hollywood concept of rebooting and remaking – only with vastly different results.
Really, it’s not terribly difficult to think of some of the more recent disasters. I’m looking at you Clash of the Titans, and you The Mummy, and especially that time someone sneezed really hard, smacked their head on their keyboard and accidentally green lighted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and was too embarrassed to admit otherwise.
It would seem in the Hollywood recycling grind-house, you can shove in an excellent film and get a spray of frankensteinian-crap-up out the other. Judging by the state of things, we won’t be running in short supply anytime soon.
Without further ado, here are the top 3 most unnecessary upcoming remakes smearing their way across your silver screens soon.
1 – Jumanji
Topping the pile of terrible ideas by terrible people who want to shiv money off the corpse of a classic, we have Jumanji.
The film will tell the tale of four highschoolers who come across an old video game console during detention and are sucked right into the game. They must play their way through the game in the bodies of their new avatars, overcoming their personal shortcomings along the way, to escape back to their lives.
The movie is banking on nostalgia to get people to the cinemas, and it will probably be the reason for its downfall. Anyone expecting a faithful remake will likely be more disappointed than the first time they saw The Village. Or anytime. That movie was garbage.
See, the thing about nostalgia is that people don’t often take kindly to manipulations and changes to the things they love, especially when it’s done for profit.
It’s not easy to remake a movie so universally loved, and you can’t do that by just shoving The Rock and his gigantic arms into it.
Expect cheap gags, average CGI and themes that are as subtle as a karate kick to the solar plexus.
2 – Train to Busan
If you’re into zombie films, you need to get this film inside your eyeballs immediately. It’s a first-class South Korean zombies-on-a-train extravaganza with subtle allegorical beats of class rebellion, moral polarisation and the value of family.
It was a monumental success, and one of the best performing South Korean films of all time. So why, mere months after the movie’s release, does it need to be remade for Western audiences? The material is still relevant, high-quality and raises interesting social questions.
Why is this necessary?
Truth is, Hollywood salivates after success and they know they can release a sub-par English remake and make bank. It’s a crappy trend that encourages bizarre cultural group-think that Western films are somehow better then ‘foreign’ films.
Check out the original on Netflix, you won’t regret it.
3 – Batman
They say you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain. With movies, you either rest a success, or be remade so many times you die an exhausted, substance-hollow shadow.
It comes as a surprise to nobody that Batman is getting a whole new spin of franchise following the release of Justice League later this year. Which – considering they now have a diverse and interesting range of new characters to explore – seems like a really lame choice.
Ben Affleck, writer and potential star, is rumoured to have signed on and off the project more times than a hop-on-hop-off bus trip – officially inspiring zero confidence in the project.
We love Batman, but the fact is, when you reboot it this many times in so many years, you face strong critical comparison and judgement, which is the last thing DC studios needs right now.
We’re exhausted and tired of your nonsense DC, give us something fresh and new like Wonder Woman, or don’t give us anything at all.
Other unnecessary upcoming remakes on the agenda include: The Matrix, Indiana Jones, Ace Ventura, a big handful of Sherlock Holmes remakes and The Birds (produced by the explosively reckless Michael ‘Bombs-Away’ Bay). So if you’ve got an appetite for disappointment, you are going to be satisfied for a long time to come.