Indiana Jones sucks. Here’s why.

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Despite being adored by millions, is it possible that, in actuality, Indiana Jones sucks?

In preparation for this article, I decided to conduct a little research amongst the team here at Digital Fox, attempting to gauge their opinions on the Indiana Jones franchise. Let’s just say, if you strongly dislike me at the end of this piece, you’re not alone.

The Indiana Jones movies have come into my life at varying times.

However, recently I decided to go back and watch the first three back-to-back-to-back. The good news for Indiana Jones fans is that I wasn’t disappointed. The bad news though is that I wasn’t disappointed because I came into the viewing with such low expectations.

Let’s first ignore the fact that Indiana is a University Professor who keeps skipping town to go on adventures, leaving his class doomed to fail. My reasons for loathing go deeper than struggling College students.

indiana-jones-and-the-last-crusade
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Source: The Walt Disney Company

The original Indiana Jones trilogy was riddled with plot holes that gave the audience absolutely no credit.

Take Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. When Indy and his crew travel to Egypt in search of ancient artefacts, they notice rival Nazi excavators digging in the wrong place. So, in broad daylight and clear view of the enemy, they start digging just a little way down the road. How stupid can an archaeology professor turned adventurer really be to take zero effort in concealing himself? The result, of course, is that he is buried alive in a tomb.

Similar mishaps occur throughout each movie, a little too often for my liking. This, coupled with lazy-script writing makes for a pretty awkward experience with every on-screen romance and below average joke.

Perhaps one of the allures of Indiana Jones was its combination of tomb-raiding and a higher, spiritual quest to collect religious artefacts.

Yet the combination of Holy objects such as The Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail, coupled with Siva Linga and the Indian Thuggee cult, make for a massive contradiction in religious ideology and history. After all, we can’t all be right. Right?

The man himself. Source: The Walt Disney Company.

My criticisms might seem a little out of the blue, but just in case you haven’t heard, there are plans to make a fifth Indiana Jones in 2019.

I guess, above all – especially considering Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, which I’ve deliberately ignored because it’s scarily bad (how do you survive a nuke in a fridge?) – this is a plea to scrap the next instalment in the series, because there’s no chance it will salvage anything.

So please, sign a mental petition to stop Steven Spielberg from creating another Indiana Jones. I for one want to move on to bigger and better things.

PS: I’m very aware that my claim that Indiana Jones sucks will probably rile a few of you homies up. You can angry tweet the Digital Fox team here.

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