Digital Fox takes you through what it takes to classify a movie as perfect.
Before I start, let’s just acknowledge this: Movie ratings are subjective. A great film to someone may be Satan to the next.
And movie ratings are also dependant on the film. For example, a Hollywood studio with a budget the size of Stewie Griffin’s ego will be judged harsher than an amateur film with a budget the size of Stewie Griffin.
Ultimately though, at the end of the day, a great film is great and a terrible film is terrible. And it’s our job to determine just how good, on a scale of 1-10, they are.
Alrighty then. Now that we’ve got those trigger warnings out of the way, let’s get stuck in.
Oy. Let’s just say this: We’ve reviewed a lot of shitty movies, and none of them have even come close to a one. And that includes Jules’ attempt at a short horror film (the scariest part was the lack of a clear plot).
What exactly would a movie need to do to cop a one rating? Most films have some redeeming feature: good acting, cool effects, clever dialogue. This has about as many redeeming features eczema. It’s a no from me.
Examples of a 1/10: My year seven attempt at a sci-fi short film.
This isn’t much better. The difference between a one and a two is probably how grumpy I’m feeling at the time. Both lack goodness. Both lack anything worthy of a movie. Both are shit.
An important point to note here is that ones and twos aren’t just not good – they’re actively bad. The jokes hurt and the acting is cringe and the whole movie somehow reeks of both mild racism and sexism. It’s almost impressive.
That being said, ones and twos are great to get drunk and laugh at, or when you’re so overtired you start seeing things.
Examples of a 2/10: Disaster Movie; Pledge This! (If you don’t know what Pledge This! is, it features Paris Hilton as the protagonist, who takes the role of a sorority president. That’s about all you need to know.)
In ways – and maybe it’s just my twisted logic –I’d rather get a one or two than a three. If you create something like a gore film that makes you want to vomit more because of its poor acting than goriness, at least you’d get some recognition as being one of the worst films of all time. A three is just embarrassing.
If you’re one of those weird parody movies or shitty comedies from the early 2000s, you’d probably find yourself here.
Examples of a 3/10: Movie 43; Epic Movie; the Adam Sandler filmography.
Have you ever watched a film and thought, shut the fuck up? A four out of ten is just that.
These always seem to be weirdly cringy comedies or anti-climactic big budget Hollywood flops.
There may be a funny joke or cool sequence somewhere amidst the mountain of garbage, but for the most part you spend the majority of the movie contemplating how exactly it made it to the cinema and if it’s inappropriate to leave early.
Examples: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice; Zoolander 2; Fifty Shades of Grey.
Fives are at that awkward stage, like me when I had braces and a voice that couldn’t decide if it had hit puberty or not.
The thing is, some people might actually really like a five. That’s because, for something like an action movie, there may still be lots of cool explosions and probably a few half-naked actors. The other side to that however is that it doesn’t really have much else.
So while the not-so-into-good-films people may love it, they’re the kind of movies that would make film professors consider early retirement.
Examples of a 5/10: Suicide Squad; Pixels; Terminator Genisys.
Watchable, mildly enjoyable, utterly forgettable. The type of film you finish and then leave the cinema, not thinking or talking about it again.
While a six may have some cool aspects, it doesn’t ever take off. Somehow though they still often seem to make a fuck tonne of c-c-cash.
Examples of a 6/10: Spectre; Divergent; everything with Dwayne Johnson.
Now we’re getting somewhere. A seven is good. Parts of it were actually probably really good, but let down by perhaps a bit of cliché or silly dialogue.
I’d say most popular films fall into this category, and it’s pretty difficult to get above it. You’d enjoy it at the time, but would you race to watch it again? Probably not.
Examples of a 7/10: Sicario; Finding Dory; Sausage Party.
Here we muthufuckin’ go. I would describe an eight as your every day really good movie. Every film season will have at least one; a lot of Oscar nominees and other similar awards would fall into this category.
An eight does nearly everything right. And while it may have a few minor downfalls, for the most part, it’s really great. What it does lack however is the intangible power to elevate itself to the level of a classic.
Still, don’t miss it, tell all your friends to go see it, and maybe even re-watch it again down the track.
Examples of an 8/10: Star Wars: Rogue One, Shutter Island, Spotlight.
From the moments the credits of a nine open, you sit there half drooling, half hypnotised at how perfect it is.
A little like my trips to the gym, they’re rare. But when they happen, boy do I feel good after (until I get home and reward myself with three years worth of dairy milk and salt and vinegar chips).
Nines are almost objectively good, and should be loved by your average Jo and Joette, as well as your film connoisseurs.
Examples of a 9/10: Wolf of Wall Street; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Whiplash.
Hubba hubba. The perfect number. The perfect film.
As you can probably guess, it’s pretty hard to get a 10/10. They come along once every few years, and remain in our memories for a lifetime (deep). In many ways they feel a little different to your every day movie, leaning closer to art than a Hollywood flick. They do nothing wrong and everything right, and instantly guarantee themselves a place in cinematic history.
I’m getting moist just thinking about it. Ew. Moist.
Examples of a 10/10: The Dark Knight, The Godfather, Pulp Fiction.
So there you have it!
That’s the esteemed Digital Fox movie ratings system. It’s pretty 10/10.